Category Archives: Diary

The world I’ve created

I get very freaked out by the thought of my own consciousness. What am I? How am I thinking and what is thinking?

I sometimes go back to the thought that most of us have probably had at one point in our life; ‘What if no one else is real and only I exist.’ I also think that one day I’m going to have to answer for this world I’ve created.

My thoughts on this have expanded slightly recently.

What if my own thoughts are responsible for all the stupid things in this world? Someday, when I have to answer for all this, how am I going to explain jobs, war and celebrities?

I just imagine something saying;

‘You should have seen some of the other worlds that were created. The experiences and alternate realities and ever-changing physical beings with ever lasting life. Incalculable emotions and senses.  You on the other hand, why did you stop at love and orgasms? Why did you spend most of your time working for money to obtain substances that is excreted from your anus? What was your obsession with creating people more important than others? Why make selfies such a big deal? Why limit your life to 100 years and create such an annoying afterlife?’

When I was 8 I was sitting in McDonalds eating a filet o fish and a daunting realisation dawned on me.

There is never an actual moment when I am enjoying this. It’s either not being eaten, in my mouth, or in my stomach. When is the moment when I’m suppose to be enjoying this?

That was one of the worse meals of my life. Tasteless, and made me never want to eat anything again. How did I get over this? To simply put it, I eventually just forgot. Actually I haven’t thought about his in a long time and I wish I hadn’t. Damn.

So where am I? Sometimes I feel like I’m just hovering around,  or like my consciousness is staying in the same place and everything is moving around me. And is it just me? How many others are experiencing my life? Maybe we’re all just recycled souls going into new vessels.

With all that said,  have a great self-created world of a day with unenjoyable meals and experiences floating passed you and the other stationary beings trapped in your vessel.

Kind regards,


25 August 2015 – Secret button at pedestrian light for blind people

Update:  Following posting this I have found out that this is not secret and I’m probably the last person to figure this out. Anyway…

I’m standing at a completely empty road crossing waiting for the green man.

Usually I would cross but there is a man with his two young sons on the other side of the road trying to teach them about road safety.

The only thing I gain from this besides the knowledge that I am better than the pricks that cross at a red light in front of children, is that I have perhaps helped a parent teach their child not to cross the road when the man is red; but this time I have gained so much more.

All three of them have their hands under the yellow box with the button on; due to the no traffic I catch the end of the conversation.

“So blind people know when the light is green.”

Intrigued, I put my hand under the box and feel a button.

I don’t think I’ve ever been quite excited for the light to turn green because I only caught the end of the conversation, I don’t know what the button is going to do.

I also don’t really want them to know I was listening but its quite obvious because we are standing opposite each other and I have my hand under the box, mimicking his child.

The light turns green and the button starts twisting:


I can’t help but feel for this button at every crossing now and next time someone asks me what blind people do at crossings, I won’t incorrectly tell them that they probably listening for the buzz of the light turning green.


20th August 2015 – Confronting my smoking neighbour

I live in a ground floor studio flat which has direct access to a communal garden which no one shares, its basically my garden. It’s my garden.

I used to smoke and used my garden as an ash tray but having quit a year ago my garden has been cigarette free for, well, a  year.

Recently I noticed quite a few cigarette ends building up and a few actually on the steps and on the bit directly outside my door.

There is a flat above mine and I often hear their window which faces the garden, open and shut. I also smell smoke sometimes but that doesn’t really bother me.

I decided to confront this neighbor and I absolutely hate confronting people, so much!

In my head, everyone I have to confront is an angry drunk who will beat me up.

On the way back from checking my meter reading, coincidentally the window above me opened and I saw an arm resting out. I stayed there for a bit and saw some ash fall down.

Now or never.

My Hertfordshire not quite posh and not quite London voice turned into a tough but understanding polite Londoner.

“Excuse me mate.”

No response, his arm retracts and I can hear whispering. Luckily he can’t see the terror in my face.

Please respond.

I hope I won’t have to resort to plan B which is collecting the cigarettes and leaving them on his door step, really don’t want to start a feud. I will really do that, I am very unconfrontational but when I do confront someone I tend to overreact if it doesn’t go my way.

“Do you mind not throwing your cigarettes into my garden.” MY garden!

A skinny head pops up, a student I think.

“Sorry, really need to get an ash tray. I’ll come pick them up now.”

Interesting, I’m the scary one.

“Thats ok, I used to use it like that too. But now I don’t smoke anymore its a bit annoying.”

Don’t appear too nice.

He says cheers or something, can’t remember, then a few minutes later I hear plastic bag noises outside my window.

I think he’s out there picking them up but I don’t want to be seen peeking throw my blinds.

After the noises stop, I peek and all the cigarette ends have gone. Oh yea!



Today I won the lottery, my life will never be the same.

When I got into work today it was about half an hour before I decided to check my Gmail account. There, as I had hoped would be there many a time on every Wednesday and Saturday (day after Euromillions draw), was an e-mail from the National Lottery.

“We’ve got some news about your ticket from the draw on Tuesday 23 Sep 2014. Please sign in to your account as soon as you can for more information.
Congratulations and thank you for playing.”

I’d heard some stories before about people getting this e-mail and thinking they’d won the jackpot only to find they’d won a very small amount, I was prepared and assumed it was £10 or something.

Logging into my account I was still excited of course, it could be anything!

A message popped up straight away, it took me by surprise.

“You have just won £5.10 on Euromillions!”

To anyone else reading this it obviously says £5.10, but all I saw was 5.1 and million; I thought I was a millionaire.

I am sure less than 1 second passed before I realised it was just over £5 that I had won, but let me tell you about my experience in that time and the feeling I got which I never would anticipated that I would get.

For starters, this moment did not feel like less than a second, it felt more like 10 seconds. It doesn’t seem much but in comparison it is.

Instantly, I could feel and literally see (not kidding I could actually see it) an endless field of freshly cut grass in my line of vision. A completely level patch of grass which felt like a representation of a clearance of my financial rut and life decisions that I no longer really needed to worry about. Unexpectedly, I did not have a feeling of excitement, but a blissful feeling of emptiness, almost like I was being reborn. I felt like I had stepped back out of my body and was looking through my new life as a different person.

As hard as I am trying, I still don’t think I am truly explaining how this moment was and I don’t think I ever could. What is strange is that you would think that anyone who mistakenly thought they’d won the lottery would be very pissed off after finding out they hadn’t. It is quite the opposite. A part of that feeling of empty bliss has stayed with me and will be a reminder that any problems or worries aren’t really anything. For that moment everything went away and endless possibility remained, when in reality nothing had changed. The fact that I have this power to change how I feel without anything physical actually happening is amazing.