Author Archives: pete

What the duck

I’m walking along a road and a duck is walking beside me.

It’s making a noise but doesn’t sound duck like, more like a human grunt.

Then it speaks:

“Oh for fuck sake.”

Shocked, I grab my girlfriend’s camera, it is really heavy and bendy like rubber. I’m trying really hard not to drop it as I try to record a video of the duck who keeps talking; it seems pissed off about something.

“Jesus Christ!” it says.

We are on our way somewhere and need to be there so can’t follow the duck as he turns a corner but I still film him walking away as he continues to make fed up remarks.

“This is absolutely ridiculous.” I hear him say faintly in the distance.

Me, Inga, and Mike are sitting around a table; Mike is on his phone. I slip Inga a note.

‘Ask Mike to upload the images to Instagram, otherwise he’ll never learn.’ the note says.

Mike ignores her and walks away and starts asking people if they know any good Jazz bands.

I then decide to print the images of the duck.

I press print but there is an error message. I walk into the printer room and the printer is floating in the middle of the room but is disassembled. The rest of the parts are scattered around the room and my dad seems to be trying to fix them.

“If the brother calls, tell him we can do the sandwiches for free for the funeral.” he says.

Confused, I don’t respond to the request and just ask him to put the printer back together because I need to print the images. The room starts to spin and I’m desperately trying to hold onto a chair before being flung off.

As I walk back to the computer to print again I get a phone call from a very famous football player’s brother (don’t feel comfortable mentioning his name).

“Hi this *****’s brother just calling about the pizzas for the funeral.”

I now realised that the football player had died and the brother is calling to arrange funeral food.

Although I am extremely shocked that this football player has died, I seem more concerned that my dad agreed free sandwiches and not free pizzas.

(Every time I dream I am on the phone, the person on the other end says one sentence and then responds with just one word to everything I say and I always feels like I’m talking out loud out of my dream)

Trying to speak quietly so I don’t speak loudly in my bed, I am basically speaking nonsense in a whisper because I don’t know what to say. He then stops speaking and so do I; we are now both not saying anything and I’m holding a phone in silence.

Drunk Canada loving Tyler and some crazy Russians

My brother Adam is staying the night at our friend Tyler’s house. We haven’t seen Tyler since moving back to England 14 years ago. Adam phones me and tells me they’re playing all the fun games we used to play at sleep overs; I can’t join them because I’m at work.

He asks me if I want to go with them to the £1 photo shoot they’re going to tomorrow but I can’t, again because of work.

My boss has just gone on lunch and I decide to sneak away and try to meet them for a bit.

In the distance I see Adam, Tyler, and a few people from a place I use to work at walking down the street.

Tyler has no shirt on and is drunk swigging from a can of beer. As he passes I hear him singing the Canadian national anthem.

“O Canada, our home and native land!”

I pat him on the back as he passes and say:

“So you’ve become one of those.”

I end up walking up some stairs looking for a toilet. I can see a door with a sign saying:

‘Mens Room’

One more floor up is another door with a sign saying:

‘Mens Room – for sissys’

I go in the first one and go straight to the cubical because I see two suspicious looking men watching me as I walk in.

I hear them talking in what sounds like Russian. I think they’re talking about me and I get scared and climb out the window.

I climb down to a garden and see a woman in a long white dress. I tell her to run because of the Russian men who are watching us from the window.

We hide under a bush but the men see us.

They have all somehow moved down the street and are backing the woman into a corner.

I am far enough away from them to not be able to hear what they’re saying but close enough to see that the men are speaking to her as they slowly walk towards her.

The woman says something to them and both men stop walking towards her, get on their knees and start bowing.

“No way! She’s royalty.” A voice says.

I walk into a shop and two teenage boys are rummaging through a basket of sword handles, signing their name on each one with a black marker.

The shop assistant sees them doing this and asks them to stop.

“You get them for free so we can claim them for free.” says one of the boys confidently.

I feel a rage building. In my mind it feels like one of the boys seems to represent the new generation of internet kids/hipsters that think they have the world figured out and do it their own way; this angers me.

The boy puts one of the sword handles in his pocket and the shop assistant doesn’t see him do it. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to be an uncool adult.

As I walk away he trips me up.

I grab him by the shirt and pull him to the ground. I start punching him in the face repeatedly, I can feel my fist hitting the ground through his head.

War and Earth

I’m in Japan, and the world is at war with them.

Everybody is trying to get into the same hotel. The lobby is packed with shouting people being held back by security and outside the crowd is growing.

I don’t work at the hotel but I have some kind of immunity that gives me access everywhere, like a detective on a crime scene.

Only people with bookings are allowed to have a room but people are still trying to get in. One Japanese man downstairs claims to have just checked out of the hotel but has forgotten his camera. I’m in his room preparing a special hotel bag for him to collect his belongings, I know his plan but I don’t care. He’s not there to collect anything he owns but to steal what he can. I place the empty bag on his bed with written instructions to put what he takes in the bag to avoid getting caught.

I don’t leave when he comes and watch him read the note. He looks up and smiles before starting to clean out the room.

In the room also is my girlfriend’s laptop.

“If the war ever ends, please bring this back.” I say.

I don’t care, possessions don’t seem to matter right now.

He nods and shakes my hand; I trust him.

I’m outside and next to the hotel is a crumbling building; I have a photo of this image too but I’m confused that the two images don’t match. I walk off under a tunnel of bamboo with people seeking shelter to try and find the exact angle which I can’t.

I come across an elderly Japanese man and his daughter sitting at a table. He has a very long neck and is kind of floating above us. I ask him about his beliefs regarding the culture and alcohol.

His daughter tries to stop me asking him but I’ve already asked and she puts her face in her hands as he starts to talk.

I don’t know what he’s saying but he hands me a smooth ball which is the earth. It doesn’t just look like the earth it is the actual earth.

I zoom in like you can on Google earth and can see land and moving oceans.

The noise

I’m walking down a long dark corridor. The rooms I pass are damp but not cold or uncomfortable, I’m actually quite relaxed but this feeling doesn’t last for long.

There a quite a few of us walking towards the same room; we have no choice but to go to this room. We have to show in our books that we attempted to find the dreaded noise.

In the room there are three volume controls; the crowd, the commentators, and the game. Each sound harmless on it’s own but together in a particular order reveals something unthinkable. I feel terrified to try and find the combination we are all looking for but I know something nobody else knows; the combination.

Each of the three controls needs to be at a certain level to hear the noise. Nobody knows that I know, and what’s more terrifying is that not only am I the only one who knows how to find it, I’m also the only one who knows what it will sound like.

As I turn the nobs, I am surrounded by fear and what feels like a physical presence in the room.

I am close, I hear it faintly; waking up. At this point I have at least attempted to find the noise, if I left now I would have enough time to escape before they discover that I didn’t find it on purpose.

I can’t do it. The attempt is recorded in my book and I leave.

I’m not far down the corridor before I see people behind me, following me. The people I approach are looking at me, I take a turn and go up some stairs.

As I get higher the dampness turns into a stream, and then a flood. I am now battling against a knee high flow of water, only one very large muscle bound man is following me now, screaming at me to stop.

The stairs are curved, like something in a castle. I reach the top and enter an area with no room; crackling electrical equipment is scattered everywhere. A giant leaking water tank which appears to be larger than the room is hanging above me.

“Give me your book!” the man screams.

He seems reluctant to near any further and stays at the top of the stairs; I can’t see his legs as they are under the flood of water which is now like a river.

The water tank creaks and is about to burst, the man sees this and runs at me for the book.

Just before he reaches me the tank bursts and we are covered in what feels like an ocean of water.

Watch out for flowers and don’t ruin your bus ticket

I’m upstairs at my parents house and my brother and dad are calling for me to cut the grass.

I really don’t want to but I come downstairs to help them with the gardening. They are both just standing in the conservatory looking at a tangled mower cable. I start trying to untangle the long cable; eventually I untangle it and start mowing the grass with what feels like an out of control mower.

Somehow, I am crossing over into our neighbor’s garden and back to our’s without disturbing the wooden fence dividing the gardens. My neighbors, Jean and Frank, and their daughters, are crouched down together tending to a single flower. They don’t seem to notice me and are not bothered by the very loud, and large, machine that seems to be getting bigger by the second narrowly missing them all. I have absolutely no control now and am trying desperately to keep hold of the mower which is destroying all the flowers in both gardens cutting down everything besides the grass which remains long.

The three of us are now on a bus and for some reason I have my tongue in the middle of my bus ticket. I don’t know why I am doing this but feel like I am normal doing it.

The bus drives stops at our destination and turns around before letting anyone off and goes back to where we were picked up. My dad goes to the ticket office to get a refund on our tickets because we ended up where we started.

I can’t get a refund on my ticket because my tongue hole has destroyed the bar code and price of the ticket.

Don’t sleep with dry gums

I see a soldier crossing the road, he is run over by a tank.

I try to wave down a bus but the soldier has gone, the bus driver in the distance has spotted me and is asking for the number plate of the tank. He is very far away and I don’t want to shout in case I talk in my sleep.

I climb up a near by building and find my girlfriend Inga has broken into the flat. We are both in Francis’ bedroom (from Malcolm in the Middle) and start looking through his things.

I find a tin that sounds like it has coins in it but I find a multi-coloured key about the size of a penny; for some reason Inga is very excited by this.

I am only in my boxer shorts and a t-shirt and start to get worried that the owners of the house will come home before I can get dressed.

I start putting my trousers on but it is very difficult; my arms are moving really slowly and everything is suddenly heavy. I can’t find the hole in the shoes to put my foot in; I start to worry that I might not hear the owners come home.

I’m now fully dressed and jump out the window and start hopping on the roofs; I finally get to my parents’ house.

My brother has a badly sunburned right leg, at the bottom he’s covered it in aloe vera.

My chest feels burned but for some reason I don’t want to tell anyone. When I speak my speech is very muffled and feels like there is something in my mouth.

My lip feels inflamed like it has swelled up double or triple in size.

All my family are gathered in the spare room that used to be a lounge, they’re watching TV or something. I cover my mouth when I talk to them because I don’t want them to see my lip.

I go to the mirror to see how bad it looks and the inside of my gums are completely covered in what looks like white slugs. I can hardly talk at this point and my speech is just a mumble.

My chest is still burning and I go upstairs to put some lotion on it. My mouth is very heavy and feels it’s going to fall off.

I wake up (actually) and am relieved that my gum is normal. My mouth is very dry as if I’ve been sleeping with it open all night.

Queue behind the cats

I’m in a very large wooden bungalow; it’s clean and well decorated.

A family party appears to be going on, not my family, I don’t know anyone but still feel like I’m accepted here. We have all just come back from somewhere, I think it’s the supermarket because everyone is carrying plastic bags.

Every room I go in there are people unnecessarily huddled together watching TV; I’m looking for a toilet.

I finally find one and there is a queue of three cats outside it, for some reason I lay flat with my chin on the floor at their level to queue behind them.

One comes towards me and I just know he wants me to rub his cheeks which I do. The others turn around and walk towards me.

SECOND CAT: “Now me!”
THIRD CAT: “Me!”

All three cats are now aggressively but sweetly bumping their heads into my face.

I realise that no one is in the bathroom and the door is open; I stand up and walk in.

About 30 people are in the room which has a large circular table in the middle with chairs surrounding it. There are a man with glasses and a bushy grey beard and a woman behind a desk with a clipboard; my girlfriend, Inga, is listening to the man talk.

“So for just £50 each you will both receive the secret template and you will be able to write any book you like.”

I look at the clipboard of attendees and Inga has already signed us both up. I think it’s a scam and cross our names off the list; Inga looks at me with a sad face as we walk out the room.

“What if I just go and we share the template?” Inga says.

I start to think that it might actually be useful to have this template, but I suppose we don’t both need to go to get it. Outside the room is a area of about 50 tables in front of a large stage and a show is going; people are walking from the bar carrying pitchers of beers. I think that it might be worth it if Inga goes to the workshop and I can have a few beers.

“Ok you go, I’ll give you like £20 towards it.” (So cheap I didn’t just pay half, or all of it)

Inga smiles and is now in the room and I’m outside.

“I’ll see you in about an hour I’ll just go for a drink or something.” I say.

“Ok, I’ll be waiting exactly right here for you, I won’t move one muscle.”

I laugh thinking she is joking but she’s not. I see her in a frozen position with her arms like a statue and a very serious face as the door closes.

Dream – Rock tubs will ruin your phones and car hornets are lazy

The rest of the family are in a different room and my Auntie Trish is dishing up spaghetti bolognese just for me with many plates stacked up on the kitchen side. Uncle Bob is walking around doing nothing but looks very busy.

I eat a massive plate of food in what seems like two spoonfuls; I feel ashamed that I’m still hungry but sneak another plate for myself.

Everyone is now in the kitchen waiting for me to finish my dinner. I finish and then we go into the garden forest to look for the naturally warm rock tubs.

I am prepared for a long cold 2 hour trek but to my surprise we stumble upon the rock tubs almost instantly.

Before us are two beautiful steaming ground level hot tubs naturally formed from stone with Caribbean blue water surrounded by exotic multi coloured flowers; petals are floating on the water surface.

I feel so cold, we began the short trek dressed in swimming suits and I can’t wait to jump in.

It is so nice, so hot, I can’t believe this is natural and feels so much nicer than the overly chlorinated hot tub constantly stuffed with hairy travelers making the most their stay at the hotel where I’m a gym member.

Suddenly I am at the top of a wet marble ladder and my parents are urging me to follow them down. I’m confused by my usually safety conscious Mum encouraging me not to worry without actually saying any words (my Mum never speaks in any of my dreams).

I reach in my pockets and find two smart phones drenched in water; I forgot to that them out when I went in the rock tubs.

To my surprised I am actually very relieved and excited to get a new phone which I know will be a very basic Nokia. I am excited at the thought of not spending so much time online and having a phone just for texting and calling.

I’m now in a car with my brother who has driven me to the shop to get my new phone; I’m in the back like a taxi passenger.

I freeze when I spot the passenger seat is completely covered in what looks like sleeping flies. I literally can’t move, and call out to my brother who doesn’t seem to mind.

I can move now and as I get closer the flies turn into inch long hornets, they move a bit but seem to not care.

As I get out the car I feel instant fear as I realise a sleeping hornet is in my mouth, if it stings me I think my throat will close up.

I carefully pull it out slowly and throw it on the floor and run away towards a very crowded swimming pool.

The big Jesus moon

I’m in a car with my dad and we’re driving down what looks like a road in America (I’m English by the way).

Someone on the radio is talking about the moon being ‘static’ and what causes it to become ‘active’.

I ask my dad what they mean and he starts to explain but for no reason at all I’m overwhelmed by an unreasonable feeling of being pissed off.

Before I show any anger, I rise from my face palm and see three moons in the sky, close together.

As we turn a corner I say:

“Dad look at that!”

Before he can react we both see another moon straight ahead about the size of a fist at arms length (just looked incredibly stupid confirming that size reference in the office).

My dad starts laughing hysterically; I am more shocked by the size but don’t question his amusement.

As we near closer, so does the moon as if it is in the sky; it’s also getting bigger.

It is nearly directly above us now and as we are about to pass under it I see the face of Jesus across the moon’s surface covering it completely.

Policemen and a lost key

I could not be seen but I saw everything, like a ghost.

Two drivers were having an argument about a ticket. One was in a sports car and the other in a normal car.

They were arguing about which one of them was going to get the ticket, as if they could decide, and for some reason they could decide.

“Just drive away, and none of us will get a ticket.” said the man in the normal car.

“I can’t, I lost my keys! Please just get the ticket, I will go to prison because my car is so nice. You have a cheap car and you’ll just get a small fine.”

The normal car drove away and the remaining driver banged on the steering wheel in frustration as his wife approached the parked car.

“Do you have the keys?” he said to his wife as she got in the car.

“No”

Two policemen approached the car.

“Just keep them talking, if they think we are about to drive away we will be OK.”

They then get into a long conversation with the two policemen about general things, the weather, stuff like that.

“OK then, have a nice day.” The driver says as he puts his hands on the wheel and looks forward as if he’s about to pull away.”

The two policemen smile as they walk away. One then looks back at the car, and stops.

“Is everything OK?”

The man sighs.

“No, I lost my keys.”

The policemen rush back to the car, kind of in a panic.

“You can’t park here Sir, I’m going to have to arrest you.”

“I think I left my keys on the beach.”

The policemen look at each other.

“We did promise to follow EVERY lead.”

Suddenly everyone, including the policemen, is on the beach digging through the sand looking for the key.